As a long-time beard owner/operator, I’ve been following the late night battle of the beards with some interest. Will the beardening of these beloved entertainers finally bring some long deserved respect to those of us who choose, nay, must proudly live our hairy-faced lifestyle? Let’s have a look:

David Letterman
By virtue of his beard being granted the key to New York City by Mayor Bloomberg, Letterman gets consideration for some sort of whisker-related, Nobel-style prize. He’s clearly done the most to advance the bearded cause, although like Al Gore’s efforts to curb global warming, Letterman’s crusade might be “too little too late.” He is truly our only hope. Update: Dammit, he shaved it off! Well, great – it’s back to the caves for us! Will there ever be a hero?

Conan O’Brien
The bristles, the pompadour – Conan’s head is like a two-sided sponge: soft on one side, tough on grime on the other. I was concerned about his beard being too neat, but just when I thought he might be softening up, O’Brien slips into a sequined jacket, grabs his axe, and joins Max and the band for a rollicking “Blue Moon of Kentucky” hoe-down. If he decides to sit in on “The Devil Went Down to Georgia,” I might finally know who I’m voting for in November!

Stephen Colbert
Colbert is the clear winner, having clobbered his rivals and their wussy “fashion beards.” You know the ones I’m talking about: always trimmed “just-so,” looking like the chin models on boxes of “Just For Men Mustache and Beard Brush-In Color Gel.” Having a beard isn’t about looking good, it’s about feeling good – and it’s about flippin’ the bird to polite society. It’s about dressing in pelts, growling at little children on the street, and drinking bourbon from/by the barrel. Kudos, Colbert, and thanks for showing America how it’s done.